Rules can spoil an atmosphere, but to reduce our disappointment at a minority’s behaviour, you might like to consider the following:

Smoking has been illegal in parties like this since 2005. The penalty is a £20,000 fine and closure of the parties. We supply a gazebo by the kitchen back door for such chemical dependants. The loft dungeon is absolutely a no-smoking zone. Exit difficulty, distractions and flammability should make this obvious to all but the criminally insane. The grounds are not an ashtray. Please seek out the nearest proper one to dispose of any cigarette ends.

Please leave gum at home or at least stick it somewhere it can be easily removed. Much of it is in our written-off carpets. Would you do that in your own home?

We now have the technology to remove even red wine stains from carpets, so you can drink upstairs. If you must take drinks into the pool or hot tub, take extreme caution or a plastic cup. A broken glass can do horrible damage to a foot. Some common sense health and safety rules apply in the pool and are on a couple of clear signs.

People at these parties have stronger relationships than most. It is bad etiquette to attempt to date someone behind his or her partner’s back. Do not hide used condoms.

If your partner suffers from kleptomania please frisk them before leaving. Favourite souvenirs include expensive bottles of drink, cds (software from the computer as well as music), dvds, videos and cameras (or is it camerae?) A couple of mobile phones get separated from their owners each year. Photographing proceedings is banned, so leave mobile phones in your car for every ones’ sakes.

Simple arithmetic will show that there are not enough rooms for small groups to barricade doors shut behind them. There are plenty of cosy dark corners in the loft. Taking the loft ladder off its hinges to prevent others ascending (yes. people have done that!) has the downside that you will be trapped aloft! Sexual safety is your own affair, so come equipped , though we have a gross of dubiously dated ones if you run out . The helping team wonder why those staying over don’t always balance value by at least leaving the room they slept in cleared away and free of debris.

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